Friday, February 27, 2015

Embracing change

So much for regularity on this blog! Two months just past within a blink of an eye!!

I've been going through a lot of changes, especially within this month. Just as I had gotten over being homesick, I was finally drowned with enough assignments and tests to create the right amount of stress to distract me. I also had been hanging out with my friends a lot and bonded more and more with them.

Then the day we'd all been waiting for finally came!! The day my boyfriend arrived! That was something. Long distance really makes the heart grow fonder, as they say. We were just talking about this and it's crazy to think that half a year of our relationship was long distance. Skype is cool and all, but physical contact and face to face conversations can't ever be topped.

I've been spending so much time with him and catching up that I'm still kinda in awe that he's finally here. It's a strange, but pleasant, kind of change to adapt to -- all the commuting, flexibility of time, and basically just being in control of doing whatever we want whenever we want. One important thing we've learned is that it can get a bit much when you spend too much time with someone, despite being with them for a long time because you learn all these weird and personal things about each other that you'd never expect -- and that's good, but humans are social creatures and we can't keep socialising with the same person for an extended period of time. Nevertheless, I still miss him deeply everytime we part (depsite meeting the next day again) (#clingylovers #itsjustmethough #notsorry).

While all of that is still happening, I'm trying to wrap my head around the fact that my friends are finally moving out, and so will I, but at a later date. I'm trying to comprehend how much we're progressing into being Responsible (trying very hard) Young Adults. We're going to have OUR OWN APARTMENTS. That is such a grown up thing. It's so weird. I'm sorry. I'm still trying to understand it. That being said, I'm going to miss the late nights and complaining about our current living place and day dreaming of the perfect apartment and coming back from uni together and going out for our dinners and hanging out in each others rooms and meeting new people and so, so many more things.

It's like chapter after chapter after chapter, new new new, adapt adapt adapt, change change change.

I guess I've always been fond of changes, especially since they've been thrown at me constantly since I graduated from A levels, but once it happens I would quiver and fear the change itself and would want to go back to the comfortable ol' life. However, I've tried to accept these changes and march against them with full force, facing them upfront. I get a tingly, nostalgic feeling and I get sad and look back at the good times. It's been quite a challenge to think of the good things that come out of the future and to embrace the uncentertainty that may come with it. It's still quite early in the year of 2015, so I might as well get used to it. Here's to more changes!

Sunday, December 21, 2014

I'm back!

The last time I've checked in here was about 10 months ago, so crazy! I was reading back my posts and it feels like all those things happened forever ago!! I have gone through an insane amount of changes, growing up, figuring stuff out, etc.

For those of you who have been following me for a while and kept up with me: I'm finally in university now!!! Yay!!! Hence the reason for my being MIA. Also, I had been busy with working and doing attachment jobs and creating new memories and experiences with people around me in this little place before I left.

I've started taking pictures again, very recently, because I felt like I wanted to get back into it.

This was practically my life the past 4 months, lol!

And now I'm back home for a little semester break! It's nice to finally have a breath of fresh air, far away from the polluted air, haze and busy roads. A little peace, quiet and blue skies to look up to, you know?

I went out and catched up with my cousins last weekend. We went to an amusement park that just revamped itself -- really felt like childhood again!

My boyfriend and I have been spending a lot of time together too, which is great. We did our favourite pastime a couple days ago: go to the beach and do some adventuring.

We found a couple of huts too! Someone built them, which we appreciated SO much at the time because the weather was blazing hot!!!! Like, we took selfies, and our faces looked baked and roasted AND fried all at the same time. Insane. I really needed the burn though! Haven't felt that typa way in a while.

Being in a city is fun and I enjoy it a lot. Everything's fast, there are constantly people around, it's always noisy and you can walk everywhere. But I hold the beach really close to my heart, and I've had many, many great times there. I've missed the sound of the breeze plugging into my ears, and the sund of the waves crashing in nearby. The feeling of getting sand in my toes when I walk barefoot. I've missed the salty air blowing in my face, combining with my sweat leaving my skin sticky. And dipping my warm toes into the cool water. And the sunlight glaring into my eyes -- resulting in my eyes squinting all. the. damn. time. I've missed it all.

Til next time!

Monday, February 10, 2014

feelings and shit

 (photo by me)
(photo by me)

Well, I'm done with A Levels. I've gotten my results. I've gotten what I've wanted.

So what now?

I'm supposed to take a gap year, get a job and ~discover~ myself but I'm still being pushed into higher education. I never really had a choice, had I? But ah, other circumstances arrive. I can't exactly go; I don't have the privilege to. I'm not as lucky as other people.

So what now?

I'm stuck in a limbo. What exactly am I going to do? I, myself, don't understand this situation I'm in. Don't ask me what my step is after this. I hate people who ask me that question. Stop it. But

What    Do I




I used to be miserable until I met a person who quickly became my friend and my life got better. I can list down all the reasons why he made me happy and explain them to you in great detail, but I'm not going to do that today.

I'm young and he's young.
I have dreams and goals and so does he.
We have plans for our future and they exclude us being by each other's sides.

I have learnt to build a wall and block these thoughts, but knowing our best friend called Reality who will surely come along soon enough, I'm going to have to eventually destroy this wall and get past it. I don't want to but I have to.

I don't want to but
       I      have       to

Sometimes I wish we'd never met so I can stay miserable and bitter until I get out of this place and find happiness elsewhere. I wish I'd never learn to love. I've never wanted to develop feelings and be attached to another person; sucking on to their presence like a leech only to coil into a wretched ball when when we part.

Yet, the past quarter of the year were the best times ever I've ever had in my life. I stopped being a dejected kid, finally opened up and enjoyed myself. I wouldn't have seen myself grow and mature if it weren't for that. I wouldn't be as fearless as I am now. I wouldn't have had all those adventures and insane memories. Those experiences are special to me, and I wouldn't ever trade it for the world. He is so precious to me.

I don't know why I'm writing this. I don't even know what's going to happen.

But what I do know is that I'm going to be miserable again, but for a different reason. I've missed those feelings of hopelessness because I learned a lot about myself and others around me during those times, but I don't want to go back there again. It's not a fun place. I don't know when this is going to happen. I'm not entirely sure if it's even going to happen. I dislike uncertainty just as much as this.

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

heaven knows i'm miserable now

I lack inspiration and the drive to do anything. I feel a different kind of empty. Less miserable than during school times but quite miserable nonetheless. A different kind, even.

I get bored easily nowadays, nothing entices me. Nothing grips me and makes me want to keep doing said things. I don't read as much because I can't seem to concentrate anymore and words seem boring to me now; I don't paint, sketch or make collages because I seem to have forgotten how to express myself; I don't enjoy writing because I can't seem to put my thoughts into words properly; I don't listen to music because I don't feel the connection anymore and nothing makes me want to sit and listen through a whole song, let alone a whole album, let alone MAKE music.

Maybe letting myself rot in my bed to watch a million movies and tv series would help, seeing as that doesn't require much effort, right? But nope, I did that two Sundays ago and that shit made me feel weak and bad about myself.

So now I workout and go out to meet my boyfriend, because those are the only things that I find comfort and joy in at the moment. Yet, being an 18-year-old girl on her holiday after going through A levels is apparently a reason to not be allowed to go out as often as she wants to. Which, okay, is (kinda) reasonable. But I can't live like this!!!!!

I am at that point where I can't be cooped up in this house anymore. I use to take solace in staying home and in my room. This place was my cave. I didn't ever want to leave it. Ever. I couldn't think of any other place better than my bedroom.

But I'm over that phase and I want to go out and do things outside. I don't even have to do anything, I could just be sitting on a sidewalk and that itself would make me want to read, or listen to music, or sketch, or talk, even, to people.

I just need a change of environment but I can't have that change. I have a car that I can easily bring myself to and fro any place that I desire, and I have enough money for gas to let me do just that. But.. no... I'm still not allowed.. And it frustrates me. Because this is something I've never experienced before, and for the first time I can't control it. The more I resist and go with my instincts, the more days I get grounded; the more guilt I feel from going against orders; and the more that fuels my resistance.

At this point in time I actually want to reconnect with old friends and make new ones -- which is especially rare for me because I dislike interacting with said people and hence the reason why I would always hide in my room. Not saying much as changed (lol) but I don't mind talking to more people now, and I still like being alone.. Just not in my room. But I guess it's safe to say I'm starting to bloom. I thirst for adventure and having talks about all sorts of things with different people, and actually doing them! Not just dreaming about them! I long for days where I do things that I don't expect to do, and I do them spontaneously. I yearn for excitement. I've had those days within the past few weeks but they're still not enough. I hate that I feel sorry for feeling this way -- I shouldn't be sorry, I don't deserve that. I need this for myself right now, and it really sucks that I can't do anything about it.

Thursday, November 21, 2013

title or something

Hi everyone! I am now exam free!!!! I'm trying to get back into the groove of blogging. How does one blog anyway? What do people blog about? WHAT IS BLOG??????

Anyway, I'm really excited to start doing things I've been putting off. My hands are itching to do some arty things!! I haven't had my creative side flow and let it do its thing in a while - I feel like the gears in my right brain are covered in rust and have stopped functioning. I also want to start making playlists again! My boyfriend (ya I have a boyfriend now what a surprise) gave me like a ton of music a few months ago and just this evening I transferred about 1.4 gb worth of music into my iTunes. Which is kinda crazy because that's only 5% of what he's given me.. which is only like half of what he's SUPPOSED to give me. God. So much music I genuinely developed a headache just *trying* to decide which albums to listen to first. But it's cool I guess, because YAY NEW MUSIC THAT I ACTUALLY LIKE.

Other things that happened over the months, well, Outsider Zine, that I mentioned on here once, is having November as our rebuilding month so stay tuned for December because there's going to be a lot of new stuff and the posting schedule will change as well. I'm also a part of Songket Alliance, a Bruneian zine by Bruneian writers who write about things (it's really cool and there are a lot really good articles guys CHECK IT OUT SUPPORT OUR LOCAL WRITERS PLEASE).

And this afternoon, I was clearing up my laptop and went through some old pictures and found these gems that I took the last year/last 2 years:

Which reminds me - picture taking is also a thing I want to get back into. And possibly develop the rolls of film that I have completely forgotten about.

I never really know how to end these things. This is the end of the post, I guess. Till next time, friends.


Sunday, August 11, 2013

Hey there

Yo guys it has been forever since my last post!!! First and foremost, I'd like to wish all Muslims a very happy Eid!!! I've been having a great time catching up and spending quality time with my family these past few days!

Anyway, so many (good things! hehe) have happened since last time, but today I shall return only briefly with an outfit/selfie post because why not right?

My exams are riiiight around the corner, and I've been busy with other projects and also slacking so I haven't had the time to write the past few weeks.

But anyway, here is my face for you all.

Check out how dark my eyes are from all the sleep I haven't been getting, YAY (plus bits of eyeliner from last night that I haven't fully removed oopsie poopsie. Workin dat au naturel lazy skin routine u noe)



Here's a little outfit of the day:

Regular (and quality!) blogging will hopefully resume towards the end of the year. Thanks for sticking by!!


Sunday, June 16, 2013


Hey guys! I'm excited to announce that Outsider, an online zine that I'm a part of, will be launching on 1st July. It's run by super rad and talented babes from all over the world!

 There will be articles, cool photo sets, weekly diaries, DIYs, artwork and collages, interviews as well as debates and so much more!!

Tell everyone you know, and be sure to check it out!

PS: Artwork here is done by the lovely Sinead, who is also a contributor.

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