Monday, February 10, 2014

feelings and shit

 (photo by me)
(photo by me)

Well, I'm done with A Levels. I've gotten my results. I've gotten what I've wanted.

So what now?

I'm supposed to take a gap year, get a job and ~discover~ myself but I'm still being pushed into higher education. I never really had a choice, had I? But ah, other circumstances arrive. I can't exactly go; I don't have the privilege to. I'm not as lucky as other people.

So what now?

I'm stuck in a limbo. What exactly am I going to do? I, myself, don't understand this situation I'm in. Don't ask me what my step is after this. I hate people who ask me that question. Stop it. But

What    Do I

Do


        Now?


**

I used to be miserable until I met a person who quickly became my friend and my life got better. I can list down all the reasons why he made me happy and explain them to you in great detail, but I'm not going to do that today.

I'm young and he's young.
I have dreams and goals and so does he.
We have plans for our future and they exclude us being by each other's sides.

I have learnt to build a wall and block these thoughts, but knowing our best friend called Reality who will surely come along soon enough, I'm going to have to eventually destroy this wall and get past it. I don't want to but I have to.

I don't want to but
       I      have       to

Sometimes I wish we'd never met so I can stay miserable and bitter until I get out of this place and find happiness elsewhere. I wish I'd never learn to love. I've never wanted to develop feelings and be attached to another person; sucking on to their presence like a leech only to coil into a wretched ball when when we part.

Yet, the past quarter of the year were the best times ever I've ever had in my life. I stopped being a dejected kid, finally opened up and enjoyed myself. I wouldn't have seen myself grow and mature if it weren't for that. I wouldn't be as fearless as I am now. I wouldn't have had all those adventures and insane memories. Those experiences are special to me, and I wouldn't ever trade it for the world. He is so precious to me.

I don't know why I'm writing this. I don't even know what's going to happen.

But what I do know is that I'm going to be miserable again, but for a different reason. I've missed those feelings of hopelessness because I learned a lot about myself and others around me during those times, but I don't want to go back there again. It's not a fun place. I don't know when this is going to happen. I'm not entirely sure if it's even going to happen. I dislike uncertainty just as much as this.

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

heaven knows i'm miserable now

I lack inspiration and the drive to do anything. I feel a different kind of empty. Less miserable than during school times but quite miserable nonetheless. A different kind, even.




I get bored easily nowadays, nothing entices me. Nothing grips me and makes me want to keep doing said things. I don't read as much because I can't seem to concentrate anymore and words seem boring to me now; I don't paint, sketch or make collages because I seem to have forgotten how to express myself; I don't enjoy writing because I can't seem to put my thoughts into words properly; I don't listen to music because I don't feel the connection anymore and nothing makes me want to sit and listen through a whole song, let alone a whole album, let alone MAKE music.

Maybe letting myself rot in my bed to watch a million movies and tv series would help, seeing as that doesn't require much effort, right? But nope, I did that two Sundays ago and that shit made me feel weak and bad about myself.

So now I workout and go out to meet my boyfriend, because those are the only things that I find comfort and joy in at the moment. Yet, being an 18-year-old girl on her holiday after going through A levels is apparently a reason to not be allowed to go out as often as she wants to. Which, okay, is (kinda) reasonable. But I can't live like this!!!!!

I am at that point where I can't be cooped up in this house anymore. I use to take solace in staying home and in my room. This place was my cave. I didn't ever want to leave it. Ever. I couldn't think of any other place better than my bedroom.

But I'm over that phase and I want to go out and do things outside. I don't even have to do anything, I could just be sitting on a sidewalk and that itself would make me want to read, or listen to music, or sketch, or talk, even, to people.

I just need a change of environment but I can't have that change. I have a car that I can easily bring myself to and fro any place that I desire, and I have enough money for gas to let me do just that. But.. no... I'm still not allowed.. And it frustrates me. Because this is something I've never experienced before, and for the first time I can't control it. The more I resist and go with my instincts, the more days I get grounded; the more guilt I feel from going against orders; and the more that fuels my resistance.

At this point in time I actually want to reconnect with old friends and make new ones -- which is especially rare for me because I dislike interacting with said people and hence the reason why I would always hide in my room. Not saying much as changed (lol) but I don't mind talking to more people now, and I still like being alone.. Just not in my room. But I guess it's safe to say I'm starting to bloom. I thirst for adventure and having talks about all sorts of things with different people, and actually doing them! Not just dreaming about them! I long for days where I do things that I don't expect to do, and I do them spontaneously. I yearn for excitement. I've had those days within the past few weeks but they're still not enough. I hate that I feel sorry for feeling this way -- I shouldn't be sorry, I don't deserve that. I need this for myself right now, and it really sucks that I can't do anything about it.



Thursday, November 21, 2013

title or something

Hi everyone! I am now exam free!!!! I'm trying to get back into the groove of blogging. How does one blog anyway? What do people blog about? WHAT IS BLOG??????

Anyway, I'm really excited to start doing things I've been putting off. My hands are itching to do some arty things!! I haven't had my creative side flow and let it do its thing in a while - I feel like the gears in my right brain are covered in rust and have stopped functioning. I also want to start making playlists again! My boyfriend (ya I have a boyfriend now what a surprise) gave me like a ton of music a few months ago and just this evening I transferred about 1.4 gb worth of music into my iTunes. Which is kinda crazy because that's only 5% of what he's given me.. which is only like half of what he's SUPPOSED to give me. God. So much music I genuinely developed a headache just *trying* to decide which albums to listen to first. But it's cool I guess, because YAY NEW MUSIC THAT I ACTUALLY LIKE.

Other things that happened over the months, well, Outsider Zine, that I mentioned on here once, is having November as our rebuilding month so stay tuned for December because there's going to be a lot of new stuff and the posting schedule will change as well. I'm also a part of Songket Alliance, a Bruneian zine by Bruneian writers who write about things (it's really cool and there are a lot really good articles guys CHECK IT OUT SUPPORT OUR LOCAL WRITERS PLEASE).

And this afternoon, I was clearing up my laptop and went through some old pictures and found these gems that I took the last year/last 2 years:







Which reminds me - picture taking is also a thing I want to get back into. And possibly develop the rolls of film that I have completely forgotten about.

I never really know how to end these things. This is the end of the post, I guess. Till next time, friends.

EX OH EX OH MWAH

Sunday, August 11, 2013

Hey there

Yo guys it has been forever since my last post!!! First and foremost, I'd like to wish all Muslims a very happy Eid!!! I've been having a great time catching up and spending quality time with my family these past few days!

Anyway, so many (good things! hehe) have happened since last time, but today I shall return only briefly with an outfit/selfie post because why not right?

My exams are riiiight around the corner, and I've been busy with other projects and also slacking so I haven't had the time to write the past few weeks.

But anyway, here is my face for you all.



Check out how dark my eyes are from all the sleep I haven't been getting, YAY (plus bits of eyeliner from last night that I haven't fully removed oopsie poopsie. Workin dat au naturel lazy skin routine u noe)

 

 

Here's a little outfit of the day:



Regular (and quality!) blogging will hopefully resume towards the end of the year. Thanks for sticking by!!

xxxxxx
-Tasya

Sunday, June 16, 2013

OUTSIDER

Hey guys! I'm excited to announce that Outsider, an online zine that I'm a part of, will be launching on 1st July. It's run by super rad and talented babes from all over the world!


 There will be articles, cool photo sets, weekly diaries, DIYs, artwork and collages, interviews as well as debates and so much more!!



Tell everyone you know, and be sure to check it out!

PS: Artwork here is done by the lovely Sinead, who is also a contributor.

Saturday, May 25, 2013

~~18 or whatever~~

Hey guys! I haven't been updating because 1) exams and they suck and i hate them a lot and 2) our wi-fi got cut so I'm leeching this magical connection at my grandma's. But anyway, I turned 18 last Friday and my best friends surprised me at my house and it was insane?!?! I was genuinely in shock and speechless and thought "WHAT JUST HAPPENED AM I DREAMING". But no, friends, I was not dreaming.


 













My family brought me out for a birthday dinner and they are just. The. Best. I. Swear. To. God.


The following pictures are from my lovely friend, Wani, taken with her NEW AND VERY KAWAII PALE YELLOW FUJI INSTAX. POLKA DOTS??? YOU MEAN FUN???







Thursday, May 02, 2013

vanishing point


I sit here on my bed taking a break from studying the dull step-by-step processes of how an oceanic ridge is formed or how sea floor spreading occurs. I love Geography, I find it very fascinating but to put down the knowledge and facts with specific keywords I have obtained and locked into my head onto paper under a limited amount of time while trying to read the examiner's mind is not really my cup of tea.

The same thing goes for Psychology.

My head is filled with a million different terms with a million different meanings all divided unequally under my four subjects.
My eyes sore from the waterfall tears of stress and pressure, sore from the lack of rest, sore from the constant reading and attempts of concentrating.
My body tired and limp from sitting all day; it has gone out of sync and out of control that I don't even know what is happening.
It is on autopilot and I can't find the off button.
My soul exhausted from trying to keep up with my surroundings and peers.


(taken from my sketchbook)

I long for the days when I am able to have free time on my hands, the days when I am able to sit on my bed and drink coffee while reading a book, or watch a film, or catch up on episodes of tv series all day.
I long for the days when I have the time to stimulate my brain how I want it to; to read materials that I choose; to fill my world with colours and silly pictures instead of grey words and complicated graphs.

Those days are coming nearer but the papers I have to sit for are only in a matter of days.

I have already reached my breaking point wherein no word, no diagram, no concept is able to enter my brain and process it. Instead they are broken down into unreadable lines and squiggles and later classified as waste.

I have reached maximum capacity.

I do not have the ability to go on.

I am here to tell you that I have already quit.

And I don't know what else to do to get back up.

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