Saturday, November 24, 2012

On being scared

If you are a fan of Charlie McDonnell aka charlieissocoollike on youtube, then you've probably seen this video. If you haven't then obviously, go watch it (which is why the video's embedded here).



I'm constantly terrified of what people think of me, albeit I try to subside the fear by telling myself to 'don't give a fuck because I deserve to express myself'. But sometimes it doesn't work and I get nervous and nitpick all my flaws which makes me feel even worse about myself. That's especially true every time I update this blog (or any place on the internet). The more things I publish, or more photos I upload to the internet, the more I expose myself. I've always been self conscious and insecure -- everyone else is always better than me at something and I wonder if people ever take me seriously. I don't even take myself seriously most of the time.

Other girls are smarter, prettier, fitter, they dress better, they're more creative, they're more articulate and have better vocabulary, they have more friends, they have better hair, they can communicate with the rest of world without looking stupid, they can pull off looks I can't, they're more charming, they have more confidence and I can go on and on. I'm most envious of those who have better manipulation of the English language than I can eeever dream of.

You don't understand -- I love English as a language and English words and how you can use these words for everything but I never feel like I'm good enough. I love how you can analyze sentences and break them down or build them up and create something so beautiful that you cry because it hurts your heart at how someone can use words to affect your emotions. Words! Or how a scene can be described in a few lines, but within those few lines you are able to imagine that scene so vividly in your head as if it were real; as if you were really there experiencing whatever that is written. Granted, English isn't my first language, but I'm not even great in my mother tongue! These aren't things that I would normally reveal about myself but after watching Charlie's video, I thought he had a lot of courage to be that vulnerable and let all of us know this fear of his.

So why do I continue to do this? Because I like to create things. And I like to share things; not particularly my life but about other things. No one listens to everything I say in real life and I don't want to pester anyone but the internet is there for me, so why not make use of it? A small portion of people on here might like what I make and share, and I want to keep on doing that. Be it music I enjoy, my opinions, my photos, my outfits or whatever else, because I like it when people share theirs. And I can't be the only person out of 7 billion on this planet that feels that way? I learn about different types of people around the world, and I'm able to experience their creative ideas and I see things in a new way through the eyes of these people -- views and opinions that I never would have thought of and they eventually change my views and opinions.

It's probably human nature to criticize and to judge, and sometimes opinions of those who don't like us shouldn't matter because they're not worth our time. But I can't handle that. I'm a people pleaser and I don't expect everyone to like me, but I prefer if they do. Which is a contradiction because other times I actually do not care what people think of me and instead, I want to provoke them and cause some sort of chaos because I find it entertaining for some unknown reason.

SIDE NOTE: Over the years I've also learned that not everyone pays attention to every single detail about me and they probably don't even notice the flaws that I've pointed out so this whole post might just make me look narcissistic but I mean whatever, I don't care you what you think... (please like me!!!)

Here's a quote from Hank Green's video response to Charlie's:
"The only thing that I've found to temper the fear of creation is to create constantly. Because to be clear, the fear doesn't go away. You just get more comfortable in it"

Now I'll just sit nervously in the corner of my room while you all try to pick on the little things about me and judge me and just freaking DESTROY ME in your mind.

TL;DR - I hate it when people judge me and I want everyone to like me but sometimes I don't so I don't understand myself and you probably don't too.

4 comments:

  1. We most certainly are almost the same person. I think that out of everyone I know, I am the first one to worry about people liking me. For some reason that even I don't understand, or particularly want to understand, I want to matter to people. I want people to say nice things about me. I want people to like me and be interested in me. I want to be important, and a lot of the time I feel significantly unimportant. This post is brilliant

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    1. i think we ARE the same person, it's like you were reading my mind from behind the computer screen.
      and thank you, i appreciate it! :-)

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  2. This is a great post - I think everyone fears being inadequate...inadequate in the eyes of others. Which is silly, because nobody judges anyone else as much as they judge themselves!

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    1. thanks! yes, that's what i was thinking! and i read a quote last time, it went something like, 'the only person who judges you the most is yourself', which if you think about is kinda true

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