Friday, April 12, 2013

A Guide To Taking The Perfect Selfie In Only 4 Steps

Today I come to you with a highly accurate and detailed, step by step guide on How To Take Selfies, with precise data extracted from my meticulous and completely unbiased research.

What is a "Selfie"? You have, I assume, seen this word floating around the internet for quite a while now, in particular on websites like Tumblr or where the pool of selfies go to die and rot: Instagram (#swaggy). A Selfie is a term used to describe a picture taken of yourself by yourself, usually via a digital point and shoot camera, your smartphone, your iPod, your webcam, or any sort of electronic device that is used to capture an image. Other options include instant or disposable cameras to emphasize the ever so popular "Vintage" and "Hipster" look that many try to achieve nowadays.

Acquire an electronic device used for image-capturing such as those stated above.

Got your gadget? Good! Now, we shall cover the basic poses.

i. This look is called the "I'm Too Cool For a Full Smile So I'll Just Do It Half Way While Looking Uncomfortable" and is, believe it or not, the most popular pose amid the mass of selfies!

ii. This one is deemed as a "proper" smile because it exposes your teeth which only makes you look like a model on a Colgate commercial.

iii. This, my personal favourite, is called a "Bitch Face" coined by the magnificent young woman and inspiration to girls everywhere, Tavi. This is perfect if you're into Soft Grunge or looking Punk and Hardcore, which is obviously very 90's, everyone knows this.

If you, for whatever idiotic reason, decide to leave your laptop or computer and go out into the dreadful and constantly disappointing IRL world, the Bitch Face is also helpful in fending off unwanted strangers, kids, or peers who come in your way. This method is proven to give you a success rate of 92%, because people included in the remaining 8% just never seem to get it.

iv. The Duck Face. This look is essential especially if you are sick of looking at your normal face day after day, hour after hour, minute after minute. According to some, this enhances your cheekbones which is thought to be pleasant looking. In my humble opinion, said people need to schedule an appointment with an optometrist.

Do NOT forget to include your arm (the one that is holding the device) in the frame. How else are people supposed to know that you are taking a picture of yourself? Seriously, keep up with the game here.

Hand gestures. This is important in getting the Perfect Selfie, clearly. I shall break down the various common gestures in a collage below:

           (viewed clockwise)

i. The inverted Peace sign, apparently indicating that you are from the 'Hood'.
ii. The Thumbs Up, indicating that you are content with your life but secretly hate yourself.
iii. I was never informed the exact origins or meaning of this gesture, however, this is seen to be more prevalent among the male gender.
iv. The classic Peace sign, indicating that you are either of East/Southeast Asian descent or a flower child from the 70's.

I hope my assistance was of use to you and that you pass on this very important piece of information to ensure we live in a safer environment. Thank you for your time.


  1. Haha these are great. My fave is the biiitchface because that is just my default face and seriously, i'm not gonna smile in a picture unless there's actually a reason to smile, right? XD also love the hand gestures. i usually do the peace sign and some weird like saluting thing that is obviously ~ r e a l l y c o o l ~ love them or hate them, selfies r a beautiful thing ;))) oh also i've noticed a popular selfie face (usually with East Asians) where you puff your cheeks out? i guess it's cute? when i do it i look like i'm going to throw up ;D

  2. haha truer words have never been spoken, Maria! i'm always being told, "smile properly with your teeth!!" for family photos, it's ridiculous! and yes hand gestures are actually really common here, and yes!!! puffing cheeks! i don't get that at all?? it actually annoys me to the max hahah, i look like a puffer fish when i try.


  3. you are hilariou.this should defintely be published and distrubuted as like a pamphlet to the ouths of today.

  4. HAHHAhaha your face! Your emotions, that is, you have a very nice face...#swaggy #hipster #toosassyforyou



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