Tuesday, December 10, 2013

heaven knows i'm miserable now

I lack inspiration and the drive to do anything. I feel a different kind of empty. Less miserable than during school times but quite miserable nonetheless. A different kind, even.

I get bored easily nowadays, nothing entices me. Nothing grips me and makes me want to keep doing said things. I don't read as much because I can't seem to concentrate anymore and words seem boring to me now; I don't paint, sketch or make collages because I seem to have forgotten how to express myself; I don't enjoy writing because I can't seem to put my thoughts into words properly; I don't listen to music because I don't feel the connection anymore and nothing makes me want to sit and listen through a whole song, let alone a whole album, let alone MAKE music.

Maybe letting myself rot in my bed to watch a million movies and tv series would help, seeing as that doesn't require much effort, right? But nope, I did that two Sundays ago and that shit made me feel weak and bad about myself.

So now I workout and go out to meet my boyfriend, because those are the only things that I find comfort and joy in at the moment. Yet, being an 18-year-old girl on her holiday after going through A levels is apparently a reason to not be allowed to go out as often as she wants to. Which, okay, is (kinda) reasonable. But I can't live like this!!!!!

I am at that point where I can't be cooped up in this house anymore. I use to take solace in staying home and in my room. This place was my cave. I didn't ever want to leave it. Ever. I couldn't think of any other place better than my bedroom.

But I'm over that phase and I want to go out and do things outside. I don't even have to do anything, I could just be sitting on a sidewalk and that itself would make me want to read, or listen to music, or sketch, or talk, even, to people.

I just need a change of environment but I can't have that change. I have a car that I can easily bring myself to and fro any place that I desire, and I have enough money for gas to let me do just that. But.. no... I'm still not allowed.. And it frustrates me. Because this is something I've never experienced before, and for the first time I can't control it. The more I resist and go with my instincts, the more days I get grounded; the more guilt I feel from going against orders; and the more that fuels my resistance.

At this point in time I actually want to reconnect with old friends and make new ones -- which is especially rare for me because I dislike interacting with said people and hence the reason why I would always hide in my room. Not saying much as changed (lol) but I don't mind talking to more people now, and I still like being alone.. Just not in my room. But I guess it's safe to say I'm starting to bloom. I thirst for adventure and having talks about all sorts of things with different people, and actually doing them! Not just dreaming about them! I long for days where I do things that I don't expect to do, and I do them spontaneously. I yearn for excitement. I've had those days within the past few weeks but they're still not enough. I hate that I feel sorry for feeling this way -- I shouldn't be sorry, I don't deserve that. I need this for myself right now, and it really sucks that I can't do anything about it.


  1. I'm really sorry you're in a blue mood. It probably won't help, me saying this, but things will get better. I'm sure you feel bored and restricted right now, but that's how parents are sometimes. I really hope things improve for you soon :^)

    1. aw, thank you so much! it means a lot. i hope things are going well with you :-)

  2. ive felt like this too at times and im trying to be more social and interesting but certain internal and external forces try to stop me.. Things are sloooowly getting better for me. hope things get better for you. maybe its just a temp art block? :)





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