Monday, February 10, 2014

feelings and shit

 (photo by me)
(photo by me)

Well, I'm done with A Levels. I've gotten my results. I've gotten what I've wanted.

So what now?

I'm supposed to take a gap year, get a job and ~discover~ myself but I'm still being pushed into higher education. I never really had a choice, had I? But ah, other circumstances arrive. I can't exactly go; I don't have the privilege to. I'm not as lucky as other people.

So what now?

I'm stuck in a limbo. What exactly am I going to do? I, myself, don't understand this situation I'm in. Don't ask me what my step is after this. I hate people who ask me that question. Stop it. But

What    Do I

Do


        Now?


**

I used to be miserable until I met a person who quickly became my friend and my life got better. I can list down all the reasons why he made me happy and explain them to you in great detail, but I'm not going to do that today.

I'm young and he's young.
I have dreams and goals and so does he.
We have plans for our future and they exclude us being by each other's sides.

I have learnt to build a wall and block these thoughts, but knowing our best friend called Reality who will surely come along soon enough, I'm going to have to eventually destroy this wall and get past it. I don't want to but I have to.

I don't want to but
       I      have       to

Sometimes I wish we'd never met so I can stay miserable and bitter until I get out of this place and find happiness elsewhere. I wish I'd never learn to love. I've never wanted to develop feelings and be attached to another person; sucking on to their presence like a leech only to coil into a wretched ball when when we part.

Yet, the past quarter of the year were the best times ever I've ever had in my life. I stopped being a dejected kid, finally opened up and enjoyed myself. I wouldn't have seen myself grow and mature if it weren't for that. I wouldn't be as fearless as I am now. I wouldn't have had all those adventures and insane memories. Those experiences are special to me, and I wouldn't ever trade it for the world. He is so precious to me.

I don't know why I'm writing this. I don't even know what's going to happen.

But what I do know is that I'm going to be miserable again, but for a different reason. I've missed those feelings of hopelessness because I learned a lot about myself and others around me during those times, but I don't want to go back there again. It's not a fun place. I don't know when this is going to happen. I'm not entirely sure if it's even going to happen. I dislike uncertainty just as much as this.

1 comment:

  1. This and your post below remind me of some of my own diary entries, at different points in my life. I've also had times were I just felt like I couldn't do anything I wanted to do, creative wise and really only found solace in the outside and maybe the odd person. I definitely think when you have goals it's easy to forget that you also need lots of time out to- or at least I did.
    Anyways, not entirely sure what I'm trying to say but I liked reading this, and am also going through a new phase in my life with someone at my side, which brings all sorts of new reflections.
    Hope things keep going forward :)
    Sofie

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